Not This Time

Still not pregnant. But I'm at peace with this for right now. With Kevin being home and knowing that there's not really any more we can do on our end than we have done (without medical intervention, but I'm pretty sure we don't need that right now), and finding that the Lord is still contriving events so that no new child is coming to our family right now, He must have a really good reason for it. I don't know what that reason is, and I would still love to have another one soon, but I am beginning to see the wonderful things about not having a baby coming.

I can continue training for a triathlon like I want to do someday. (I just started this--don't be shocked. I'm nothing amazing right now, though I did swim 5/8 of a mile in the pool and run 3.25 miles on the track today, thankyouverymuch. I haven't been back on my bike since the hand surgery yet. I'll tell you how it goes, though probably not here.) I can spend lots of individual time with Willow and Rhys, which is way fun. I can take whatever medication I feel like. Plans for the next few years will likely only need to include potentially one more child instead of 2.

I still want a big family. I'm still planning that our family will grow. But I'm also beginning to find contentment with here and now, not always anxious looking for future happiness. I know this feeling comes from the Lord. I am grateful for his blessings in my life. I am thankful for His comfort when my hopes are not realized, especially with the prospect of Kevin probably leaving in the next week or so, meaning not pregnant now means probably not pregnant until sometime in the Spring. I love my Husband, too.

I guess that's all for now.

Signing off.

It Was A Sign

This is why I am pregnant today:

So, it is possible this is the first day of my pregnancy. And then this morning I waited to eat as I was making breakfast. I got to the point, as I do every morning, of feeling some pangs of hunger that usually pass after not too long and then I can enjoy my meal. Only this time they didn't pass. They got worse. And worse and worse. And I started feeling nauseated. I thought, "I need to eat something now before I can't and then I throw up. So I got some crackers and some peach juic e. It helped a little, but not completely. I was making pancakes and I continued mixing up the batter. I heated the griddles and poured the first ladles full when suddenly the smell of the batter hitting the hot griddles hit my olefactory nerves and I almost lost it. I had to leave the room so I didn't retch. I traded Kevin getting the kids dressed for making pancakes, and I stayed out of the room until they were all cooked and was then able to eat them for breakfast.

Later on that morning I learned about a medical emergency that a family in our ward is having and for which we were being asked to fast. Knowing how sick not eating made me this morning, I decided that I will join in prayer, but it would be better for me to keep eating regularly. Is it absolutely horrible of me, in the midst of another person's crisis, to even let such self-centered thoughts cross my mind as that perhaps I was given morning sickness today so that I would know not to fast my now (probably) pregnant body later on? Cause if it is horrible, I didn't think it. But if it's not so terribly horrible, then maybe I did just a little bit. Maybe if I don't feel sick at all tomorrow morning I will fast then. I do really hope and pray that all is well for this family and that recoveries are swift and complete.

OK, that's enough obsessing for the day. I do see the Hand of the Lord in my life. In real ways as well as neurotic ways. Even the mere fact that our bodies hold together and continue running every day, all day long seems like a miracle sometimes, especially when you see very close to home a medical issue come up out of the blue and strike down a seemingly healthy and normally functioning mother. Why did it happen? Wrong question. How is it that that doesn't happen to each of us all the time, every day? I am so grateful for my health and my family's health. I love my God, and I am grateful that he provides for me even when I twist every blessing to fit my own (widely publicized) secert desires.

Still not Pregnant

Not that there's really been any time for this to change yet, but I did say I would keep you posted. It took a couple of weeks of intermittent temperature taking to determine this definitely. I guess I must have miscarried both not-yet-implanted twins. I decided that I must have been carrying twins because of how very strong my pregnancy symptoms were from literally day 1. I am very confident that I didn't make them up or induce them because I didn't think I had ovulated yet and I know that I am not feeling them any more. My sense of smell is back to normal, I'm not feeling sick every morning, and I can eat whatever I cook.

So, being pregnant for almost two weeks during your luteal phase is closer to being pregnant than not being pregnant at all, right? So probably I have a better chance of getting pregnant next time than I have had previously, right? So since my I'm a week and a half past the start of my last period and it's very likely that I will be getting pregnant next time then I get to claim to be in my second week of pregnancy, right? Right.

Low Temperature Day 1

No September Baby for us this year. I just need to keep my mouth shut sometimes I think. But it's so hard when it is constantly on my mind. The only way I can think about anything else is if I give myself permission to blab somewhere.

I was so sure this time. Even Kevin was sure. Or maybe I just infected him. Personally, I think there probably was a little blastocyst in there for the last two weeks wreaking havoc on my hormones but for whatever reason it did not stick. In any case, I'm currently menstruating.

I was blessed by the Hand of the Lord in all this. Yesterday, when I still had a high temperature, I had a brief moment of crampy-feeling ache in my back. It wasn't itself so bad, but it suddenly made very real the possibility that I would get to Christmas--the day I got to say I officially knew I was pregnant--and not be pregnant. This was a depressing thought. But because of the blessed premonition, I was able to take the time to pray about it then and refocus myself out of my own desires and on to what the Lord has in store for our family. That made it a lot easier this morning when I just couldn't get the thermometer to go any higher than the average low.

And be this all as it may, there is no way that it has cured me, because since the first realization this morning my mind has been working very hard and finally shared with me the (I'm sure) true explanation that probably I am just miscarrying a twin and I'll probably still be pregnant when it is all through. I'll keep you posted.

High Temp Day 13

My breasts hurt today. They have been achy for the last week or so. This is a good, albeit uncomfortable, sign. And yesterday I felt that tightening in the lower abdomen I remember so distinctly feeling with Willow, and I think Rhys, though I don't rememember quite as distinctly with him. That is something I don't think I've ever felt on one of my false alarms, but there is a first time for everything. I'm still not official for at least 2 more days, and I'm not allowed to say I am official for at least 3.

Probably Pregnant

I don't get to find out for another week (Merry Christmas to me), but I'm assuming I'm pregnant. I guess that's really nothing new, but I have had a really acute sense of smell for the last week and am randomly nauseated throughout the day. And then some days, almost all day long, I will not notice anything at all--exactly like when I really am pregnant and don't feel pregnant at all and so sometimes I forget for a minute. So I must be, right?

The Hand of the Lord: Last night my sister's almost-2-year-old was inconsolable. He had been fussy all day long and now, at bed time, was crying hysterically. She could not find anything obviously wrong with him, so she didn't know what to do to comfort him. We could hear him crying from downstairs and I finally said to Kevin, "perhaps you should go offer to help give him a blessing." As soon as I said it I heard footsteps on the stairs and my sister's husband came in with a questioning look and said, "Um..." Kevin and I turned to each other and smiled, which confused him and so I clarified, "Yes, he will. I was just suggesting he should offer."

Kevin assisted my brother-in-law in administering to his son and then came back down. Within minutes the crying stopped. The next morning I asked my sister how things went and she said immediately following the blessing she was able to calm him down and put him into bed. Just a few minutes after that he threw up. They cleaned him up and he calmed down again and he easily went to sleep. This morning he has seemed just fine.j

I know the Lord does inspire us in caring for our children and I know that He has granted to any man who will live His commandments and make and keep His covenants and be ordained through proper authority the opportunity to exercise the Priesthood to bless his own family and others. It is His power. I recognize it every time I see it at work. I know he loves us.

Unpremeditated Symptoms

I love my husband. He humors me and my hypopregnia.

*warning* in case you glossed over the standard warning at the top of the blog, this post really will contain words like cervical fluid. Proceed with caution.

It's finally back. I keep thinking things will be under control because I have it all figured out now. My temperature has been going on a bit of a different pattern since I've been tracking this year--my normal pre-ovulatory temp is about 96.8ish, and the normal luteal phase temp is about 97.7. But between the two is usually a couple of days of 97.3 or 97.4 that I'm not sure whether they occur before or after ovulation. I've been assuming they were pre-ovulatory because of how long of a luteal phase I had at one point didn't make sense if it was the earlier date.

But this time, since Kevin was home and actually want to start a baby, not just know if it happened, I started checking my cervical position and fluid. I didn't start until it was a few days from when I thought I probably would ovulate. My cycle length has been very consistent for the last few months, so I was pretty certain I wouldn't be ovulating earlier than I started checking. I had done it a few days here and there earlier in the cycle and had the standard creamy not-much-of-anything. But the first day I checked in earnest (which happened to be a 97.3 day) there was very definite gloopy, stretchy, egg-whitey fluid--about 3". And the cervix was much higher than typical. For those of you who don't know, that kind of gloopy cervical fluid and a high, soft cervix indicates impending ovulation. This was really exciting, and I was pretty sure I still had a couple of days before I ovulated.

So I was as surprised as anyone when, that afternoon, I suddenly felt nauseated and couldn't find anything that I could stomach except a Popsicle. I tried. I felt awful in that way that women who have experienced it know means "If I don't eat something soon I am going to throw up." So I went hunting for something. My first thought was, "Just get something down, don't worry too much about what, because anything is better than nothing." I was wrong. There were several foods (ones that I typically love) that I put in my mouth and nearly gagged on. They were not the right thing. Finally I found a Popsicle I could eat without retching. And I did. And then I felt better.

The next day--97.3 again--in the morning I went looking for something to eat because I have been taking vitamins for the last week and I know if I take it on an empty stomach I get sick anyway. I've been eating a granola bar first thing every morning, but this morning I took a bite and almost lost it. I really wanted to find some peach juice because I know it is light and sweet enough to help, but we didn't have any open. I'm trying to remember what I did end up eating. Whatever it was it was only marginally successful. I know I was feeling sick before I took my vitamins. But I figured it wasn't going to make a whole lot of difference for me to wait for a few hours since there was actually something in my stomach, the vitamins shouldn't make it worse.

I'm having a hard time convincing myself that my over-active imagination was projecting symptoms on to a physiologically sound body simply because I want to be pregnant, because I was not in a wishing phase--I was in an, "I'm so excited I'm about to ovulate and I want to get it this time!" phase--fully engaged and happy with where I was. I honestly didn't think I had ovulated so I was amazed that I was feeling sick. And then when I checked cervical fluid that morning--nothing. A little bit of creamy and a low, hard cervix. What? Was yesterday really the end of the impending ovulation signs--as in I ovulated that day? What?

Then yesterday morning (97.5) getting ready for church I put on the skinny dress I bought for my high school reunion this summer. I figured that if I was pregnant, I wouldn't have much opportunity to wear it for a while. Also, since it was a dress I figured it would be nicer to my stomach, which was not in the mood for waistbands. But the band of fabric right under the bust that the rest of the dress hangs from--which fitted snugly but was never a problem before--was so uncomfortably nauseating that I took it off and changed into a loose dress. I didn't even want to think about wearing bloomers (with a waistband) so I had a slip on, but after a few minutes even the skinny slip was too constricting and I changed it for a bigger one, too. Sigh.

I'm really having a hard time convincing myself I'm not pregnant. I haven't ever had morning sickness so immediately (the same day) before, but I don't know any other explanation. And yesterday, my bathroom started to stink like old urine. This is not entire remarkable since I have a potty training child and do cloth diapers and don't disinfect every day, but from how old it smelled, I can't imagine it was new. This morning (97.6) the smell was so bad I couldn't stop talking about it to Kevin, trying to talk myself into enough motivation to clean it. He conceded it didn't smell great, but didn't seem too offended by it. But every time I ventured in there with the thought of starting to clean, I had to leave, it was so bad. Then I remembered--pregnancy nose. If I am pregnant, it makes perfect sense. Hypersensitivity to smell. AAARRRGGGHHHH!! Why is it impossible to not think about being pregnant and to make every circumstance of my life into a symptom of pregnancy? And it doesn't help that I am sitting here trying to think of how I can possibly contrive exercise clothes from my wardrobe that don't include a waistband.

And the Hand of the Lord blessed my husband to pick up on my signals before I even knew I was giving them--he volunteered to clean the bathroom when I was really just trying to get myself to do it..