Not Pregnant and Other Disconnected Thoughts

OK, I'm not pregnant, and I'm still not pregnant, and I'm still not pregnant.
I still have occasional thoughts of somehow magically discovering I actualy have been pregnant this whole last month, even though nothing suggests it and several things confirm the contrary (namely normal mentrual cycles and temperature shifts), but they seem as absurd as when I would think about being pregnant before I was married and would have to actively remind myself that there was and will be only one immaculate conception in the history of this world. (OK, I know I just misused that term--it actually refers to the conception of Mary, not of her Son--but couldn't think of a similarly succinct and definitive phrase for that one and I knew that people would know what I meant with less room for equivocation than if I just said "virgin birth," because, throught the miracles of modern technology, even that is not wholly uncommon. The End.)

After I was first self-diagnosed, I used to think that my hypopregnia started after I got married. But after a while of thinking about it, I started to remember that I would have random and illogical thoughts on the topic before it was ever humanly possible. So, well, that just goes to show that at least I am consistent.

I think there must be a reason and a plan for me not being pregnant right now. I don't know what it is yet, but someday I will, I'm sure. My most recent thoughts have been, "If I get pregnant the day before Halloween, I will be due on my birthday. That's cool." And that contents me enough not to feel too anxious about being pregnant (or not, as the case is) right now or in the immediate future. (I don't know when Kevin is coming home.)

But I do long for a little body growing inside of me. I long for a growing family, too. I want to know all of my children. I want to know who they are, what their names are, what they are like, what they look like, when they will come. But I don't actually want to know when they will come before they get here, or even how many of them there are. I want to be surprized. I just want to be surprized soon. Sometime. Soon.