'Ficial

OK, we announced it to everyone.  No one is sworn to secrecy any more.  Gee, it was depressing how few comments actually showed up before I couldn't take it any more and had to tell people directly.  Sigh.  I guess that's what happens to blogs that only get updated a few times a year.

Emotions II

After that last post, it was 10 more days before I ovulated.  Do you think it's possible for your body to know when you are 4 days pregnant?

This post is just a secret reward for those of you who read this blog--you get to be the first to know.  Sh.  I want to give it a few days to see who will find out from this before we announce it.  So don't tell anyone, just leave me a comment and I will know you know.  Don't worry, I won't last long not telling.  We're looking at a December baby.  I just couldn't let 2013 go by with another baby for Neoma and not me.

Some details, because I know you want them:

Last Friday, 11 days post ovulation, my temperature had dipped.  I don't know if the disrupted sleep I had the night before had contributed to that, or if it was just a thing that happened on its own, but because the timing was right for my periods to start, I was anticipating spotting or bleeding all day.  I even had another crazy emotional episode that day where I started bawling for no good reason (see the previous post).  I explained it away to the sisters I was in the car with (we were on our annual sister's retreat), but I mis-remembered the timing of the last episode--I thought it had happened just before my last period started and that this was going to be a new, horrible PMS trend for me, similar to ovulation nausea over the last few years.  But then the next day, my temperature was back up.  I compulsively checked my cervical fluid multiple times a day for the next couple of days, searching it for the streaks of red that would herald menses.  My period starts anywhere from 10 to 13 days after ovulation, and I have, occasionally and inexplicably, had my temperature remain high for a couple of days into the start of my period.  But this time there was never any red.  And the temperature stayed high.  It's now day 16, and because that's 3 days longer than any luteal phase I have ever had, it's official--I'm pregnant!  

Hee, hee.

PS--No, I won't be taking a pregnancy test.  For my opinion on those, please see I did it, and it didn't help! and This is a little big absurd.  

PS2--This morning I was far hungrier than what I ate last night should warrant.  And the thought of eating anything too sweet or too not sweet made me sick.  And I had to eat some fruit.  Hee, hee.

Emotions

So, unless my body magically decided to forgo all precedent and physiological indicators and ovulate a couple days earlier than the earliest I have ever recorded without telling me, I'm not pregnant.  (Note--this means I am not pregnant, but my condition--hypopregnia--compels me to include a disclaimer acknowledging that my mental gymnast is sufficiently acrobatic to come up with plausible justification for believing myself so.)  But yesterday I really, really, really wanted to say I was.

There was a brief discussion among the adults in my house yesterday about where an item should be put in the kitchen.  I (ridiculously) got my feelings hurt.  And I wanted to just let it go, but I couldn't.  Later on, Kevin and I escaped to run errands and grocery shop for a date.  As we pulled into the parking lot of Lowes, I didn't want to get out because I was still dealing with the emotional upheaval of earlier.  So I started talking through it with him.  It was a stupid little thing, but I couldn't let the conversation go and I was mad at myself for being so stupid about it.  And the more I got mad at myself the stupider I felt and the madder I got, and I ended up sobbing hysterically while pointedly looking away from Kevin because I didn't want to see him or let him touch me.  And I wanted SOOO BAAAADLY to just be pregnant so I could say, "It's just hormones.  I don't really feel this way." And then I could be over it.  But because I didn't have an excuse for feeling so bizarrely awful I had to pick it apart to find the root, and I wasn't finding one, so I just kept feeling awful.

I told Kevin I just wanted to punch something.  I feel that way sometimes, especially when I hear about cruel stupidity, but I usually just get over the feeling.  But I really wanted to actually punch something this time.  Kevin offered me his shoulder.  At first I refused, and I felt better that he was being so kind.  We laughed together about being pregnant/not being pregnant.  Then I got out of the car, walked around to his door, opened it, and said, "Get out so I can punch you."  Then I couldn't wait for him to get out, and I punched him in the shoulder while he was getting unbuckled.  Then he got out of the car and I punched him a lot of times.  I didn't want to actually hurt him, but it felt so good to let my arms spasm out the emotions that just wouldn't go away.  I did a lot of awkward girly-punches that took energy to throw but didn't land with too much force.  And he was a very good sport and just let me hit him.  And we both laughed.  Why have I not punched my husband sooner?  I was able to let go of the emotions, recognizing that whatever the cause of the unfounded feelings, they were unfounded and I didn't have to figure out where they came from--I can have all the hormones I want even without being pregnant.  And the rest of the evening on our errand-date I felt light and almost giddy.  That feeling after such an inexplicable downer was almost as disturbing.  I wanted to dance and giggle and kiss the world.  Mostly I kissed Kevin.  And rode the cart like a scooter.

Do you have days like that, where your emotions are all wonky without your consent and no known hormonal issues or deep stressors to explain it?

My Temp is Up

Hopeful.

Period

Craving

Tonight I had a craving for Pad Thai. I have never craved that before.  My lovely ManWeif picked some up for dinner while he was running errands.  I love that guy.  And I'm already planning how, when I find out that I'm pregnant next week, I will laugh with him about our baby's first craving.  Hee Hee.

Ooh, the hypopregnia's back!