Rules

I make a lot of rules for myself to deal with my disease. They are mostly things like "I am not allowed to be excited until..." "I can be excited when..." "I must wait until this happens...." "I can't tell my husband what I suspect until..." "Keep this to myself unless..." and various other morays on my own actions and emotions that I think sound reasonable before I am confronted with whatever evidence I think might be forthcoming. I know that if I leave this decision making until I am confronted with new and unfolding information that my mind rapidly spins into pregnancy, the actions that I take will most likely be ones that will exacerbate, rather than ameliorate or suppress my condition.

Unfortunately, I am a champion rulebreaker. When my temperature spiked this last time, I made the rule: I cannot be excited until high temp. # 16. This worked out well because it would just fill the rest of the slots on this cycle's chart. I numbered off the rest of the days to day 16. Here are the problems with this plan so far:
1) the day before my temperature spike, my temperature was an average low, however, the two (or was it three?) days before that, I had missed taking my temp, so it is possible that my temperature had spiked in those preceeding days and the one low temp before the recorded spike was simply an estrogen dip, or whatever it is that causes a periodic low temperature after you ovulate. This really is not uncommon, I promise. So perhaps I am not actually on day 10, I am really actually on day 12 or 13 now. This is big! This is important! This is exciting! But it's not day 16.
2) The average luteal phase (period between ovulation and menstruation) is 12-16 days, so 18 is the magic number of days that if you reach you are either pregnant or have a big problem like a cyst or something. but I have never had a luteal phase longer than 13 days. That is why I let 16 be my magic number. The truth is, most of my luteal phases are shorter--10 or 11, even 9. So I reach day 9 and each one beyond that is a secret celebration. I'm not allowed to be excited, but if my luteal phase is 11 days instead of 10 this cycle, doesn't that mean I am a little bit more pregnant than I was last time. Isn't a longer luteal phase sort of like being pregnant a little bit? It's pretty much like I am pregnant a little bit. This is cause for celebration! But I'm not allowed to be excited.

The rules I break most famously are when I will tell whom what. Mostly I only make rules about my husband and my sister, because they are the ones I talk to every day and with whom this topic regularly comes up. My sister is my comiserating companion hypopregniac. We explicate symptoms to each other endlessly. And I never stick to any rules of not telling her anything. I just tell her, because I am excited (which is already breaking a rule, so why not make it a clean sweep?) I also always tell my husband, because I'm sure he want's to know what's going on in my head. Otherwise why would he ask? He walks in the door from work. He says, "Hi, Honey, how was your day?" "Oh, my temperature was still up this morning. That makes it day 8. Isn't that exciting?"

Why do I keep making these rules?