The Moment of Truth

I am amazed how desperate I feel right now for my period NOT to start today, tomorrow, or the next day. I know that pregnancy is really not very likely this time and nothing that I do or think or feel can make one smidgon of difference in the matter right now, but I just want it sooooooo muuuuuuuuuch. I honestly feel nervously sick to my stomach (and no, I am not even pretending that is morning sickness) every time I sit down and think about it. I am really trying to avoid sitting down and thinking about it.

I hope that after this cycle I will feel a little less desperate as they come and go. I think the intensity of the obsession this time probably is a combination of circumstances that this is my first cycle since having Rhys (so it's all brand new all over again) and that Kevin is out of town and I don't know when he will be back (meaning I don't know when we will actually be able to try again).

Whew. I think just typing this out loud to the world helped me feel a little better. The most rediculous thing is that when I think about having another child right now, I'm pretty ambivalent. I generally like the idea, but then I always like the idea. But my arms aren't aching for that tiny, snuggly body quite yet. This is probably good, since one isn't immenent in the immediate future. But it makes me feel silly for being so desperate to be pregnant. I think at this point I'm more excited about another chance at childbirth than I am about actually having the baby here.

And please, no one read this and think I am an immature, egocentric mother who only wants children on a whim of the moment, who tries to have children with no desire or plan of caring for and loving them. This is only the fleeting feelings of the moment I am describing. I always have an intense, burning desire in my soul to welcome and nurture children of my Heavenly Father into this world and love them up throughout their entire life in righteousness. And I want exactly as many of them as and at exactly the times that God plans as the ideal for my family.

That said, my period probably will start today, or tomorrow, or at most on Sunday. And on Monday I will know I am pregnant. :) Cheers!