Aching

I am sitting here in front of my computer while reading my scriptures and my "My Pictures Slide Show" screen saver is on. Every time it pulls up a picture of Willow less than 1 week old (Rhys' new new born pictures aren't on this computer yet, I think) I start to ache inside and I keep hitting the back arrow to see that new new picture again and dream about a new one to hold and to bask in the glow of my rose-colored memories of the days after giving birth. I am aching for a new one. I want a new, new, newborn baby so badly right now.

I'm impatient and excited and terrified. impatient that I have to wait 3 more mornings before I am allowed to know, excited that I'm sure I am because things went perfectly and it has just got to be the right time, and terrified that maybe I'm not. I'm having a really hard time resigning myself to the worst case scenario right now. Usually when I am unsure about something, I just figure out the worst case scenario then mentally work it through until I am OK with it, and then whatever happens I am fine. But I just can't make myself OK with not being pregnant right now. I just have to hit it like a brick wall if it comes and go through the whole grieving process, including plenty of denial, I guess.

Oh, well. I guess that's all I can do right now. Only 3 more mornings. Oh, please, oh, please, no period this week!