Mixed Signals

My body has been sending me mixed signals today, but I think the bottom line is not the one I have been hoping for.

I woke up with an off-feeling stomach. I went to bed with the same feeling because I had eaten too much chocolate sauce at 1 in the morning. (That's what happens when I stay up to do the dishes. I ate it straight from the jar, still frozen, with a spoon.) But I thought a good 5 hours of sleep should have resolved that. I did pretty well at convincing myself that the stomach ache wasn't morning sickness.

It's day 12. My temperature is still up, but not very high up. If I am pregnant, it should be in it's second thermal shift by now. But it's definitely not down yet, so it's possible it's still coming.

I've had faintly crampsish achyness in my back off and on for the last couple of days, and about midmorning today I had some spotting. I'm trying really hard to resign myself to my period starting today, but it's a tough sell. This blind hope thing is such a hard thing to squash.

And then at lunch time I just felt so entirely uninterested in the really yummy food--slightly nauseated, but I made myself eat anyway. Neoma was feeling really sick and it was funny to me to see us sitting across from each other at the table with the kids all around us trying to convince them not to be too picky while we were both looking at our own food with ambivalence or disgust. Just after I had done a pretty good job of telling myself my period is starting today, I go and feel nauseated. sigh.

So I don't know anything. But I do insist on not knowing anything out loud to the world.